Change of Season; Change in Me

With the change in season from summer to fall comes a change in me.  It is difficult to find the exact words to convey what this change actually is.  It’s an intangible, subjective change – one which originates from the inside.  I’m usually quite good at putting my emotions into words; however, the dilemma with this experience is that I can’t identify what the emotion is.  I can feel it and sense it and acknowledge that I’m feeling something, but what? 

 

Do you ever just feel something, but can’t put a name to it? 

 

After many years of feeling and thinking this way when summer rolls into fall, I think I’ve finally found a name for this mystery feeling:  nostalgic and homesick.  It’s an aching, heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach and a tightness in my chest.  This is always followed by an attempt to take three deep breaths to release it.

 

The colder temperatures make me think of curling up in a blanket or bulky sweater, high school football and soccer games…

 

The smell of the crisp, cool air reminds me of pumpkin picking and drinking apple cider, which leads to thoughts of family and memories of holidays.

 

Although all of these are positive memories and feelings, my twisted brain turns them into longing and mourning for the past.  So, when this happens today, I take a deep breath (well, three deep breaths) and remind myself that I’m okay, I’m safe, and I’m happy.  I’m right where I should be.

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