Going back…

I went through a rather dark, emotional phase in 2005 and a lot of poetry resulted from it.  I thought I’d share some:

Happy (May 2005)

Come with me,
I’m on my way to this place called happy
It’s a road that never ends
A journey, not a destination – it was hard for me to comprehend
But now it’s time to start the engine and take off with only my heart in my hand –
There’s no room in the trunk for baggage

Sick of hating you
Just want to let go
But it’s so hard to say goodbye to everything you’ve ever known
How do you heal a shattered soul?

Come with me,
I’m on my way to this place called happy.

It won’t be easy.
You’ll stumble and fall,
Break down and cry
You’ll try to turn around and run back
But there’s nothing there

Happiness is forward – it cannot be found in the past
Don’t lie to yourself, it was there once, but no longer

Come with me,
I’m on my way to this place called happy
It’s a road that never ends
A journey, not a destination – it was hard for me to comprehend
But now it’s time to start the engine and take off with only my heart in my hand –
There’s no room in the trunk for baggage

untitled, autopilot (November 2005)

my fingers are picked to the bone

i fall asleep to a dull throbbing

flowing out of my finger tips

and i wonder if its coming from somewhere deeper

Before You Jump (May 2005)

Before you jump,

pause

Look behind you.
Look down at your feet
as a chunk of dirt loosens from the earth,
and plunges over the edge
into
the vast
emptiness
below.

Now, look up,
past the blue.
Look ahead of you.

Do you still want to jump?
Yes
But

it would be too easy.

Restless (October 2005)

head is heavy, but blank;
hazy with all the thoughts, images rushing around
heart is pounding out of my chest
lump in throat
body restless
tears fill up my eyes
everything is so blury; the only sharp, distinct feeling in my heart
shaking, but paralyzed
nothing can put me at ease
frustration sets in because I can’t get control of my thoughts, my actions
i have things that need to get done, but a stronger force has taken over me
hungry but sick to my stomach
i thought i already went through this; why is it coming back at me again?

that familiar pinch on my skin seems like one solution,
but i don’t even know if that will comfort me

Solitude of Spring (January 2006)

A strand of soft chestnut
framing a tear stained cheekbone,
sun-kissed freckles,
a blizzard of brilliant cherry petals
pirouetting around heavy
staggered thoughts.

Weather Report (12/15/04)

The days go by
separated by your face
haunting my dreams

scared to close my eyes
afraid to open them

if only i could wake up
from this overwhelming nightmare
darkness fades to black

the light teases me,
as the sun fades in and out
of the unpredictable clouds

My life is like a weather report;
70% chance of storms, partly sunny.

I can’t wait to find that place
where
the sun shines even through the clouds
But that will be a sad, sad day
because the past will be
just that
past

Alive (December 2004)

I’m alive.

Suffocating
Drowning
Bleeding
Falling
Trying
Aching
Hurting
Failing
Fading
Dying

I’m alive.

But, I’m still alive.
Someday, I hope to be living again.

Red (November 2005)

I look down at the red apple in my hand, lick the sweetness from my lip
out at the red leaves twirling from the trees
and up at the firey red plane gliding over head
and can’t help but think
that for the first time in a long time
life forms a straight line
a perfect triangle
instead of the fragmented shapes i’ve become so familiar with

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2 thoughts on “Going back…

  1. Your Happy poem resonates with me.
    I came up with a poem too on my birthday
    when I decided to leave the baggages behind,
    move on faster and enjoy life.
    It has been 3 months and I’m doing good
    but sometimes there are days when I’m not.
    I just remind myself of the promise I made
    to move on — faster.
    🙂

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